Supporting the masking child.

Yesterday I attended the first session of a series of Cygnet training.

This is a six week course for parents of newly diagnosed children.

The first thing we had to do was complete a form rating our confidence levels in managing our children.

I am confident that I can fairly accurately recognise PDA boy's moods and triggers, we know which activities will help to calm him down. Don't get me wrong, things are difficult, we are human, we get it wrong, but hopefully we learn from those times. On the whole though, we recognise what we are dealing with and in general we are heading in the right direction.

I also have several years of intense autism research under my belt, as I desperately sought answers for my son's behaviours, so I'm aware of the basics.

I filled out the form honestly, stating that in most areas, I feel confident. Which I don't think the leaders of the group will be expecting. They expect to see low confidence levels which grow over the weeks.

We know that during school holidays, when we can tailor life to suit our childrens' needs, things calm down, apart from the odd day when everyone decides that constant insults and wind-ups are fun. (They're not fun).

Our problems are exacerbated during term time when PDA boy holds everything in and lets go once home.

These are the times when, despite knowing how best to handle him and which strategies help, we don't make progress, we are firefighting, battling the flames as new ones keep starting.

On top of this, there is also the need to advocate for my son to people who simply don't believe there is a problem, I understand why, when my son is a completely different child in school, but it is frustrating that his diagnosis is being largely ignored.

I'm not entirely sure why support and understanding is so hard to come by. I have some ideas:

1. They cannot get their heads round the fact that the child they see in school could possibly be the same complex child that we love.

2. He doesn't pass the threshold a child needs to in order to qualify for support.

3. Money, money, money.

To address these points.
He has a diagnosis which accurately describes his difficulties, and he is also a child outside of school.
To apply a threshold like this is to show a complete lack of understanding for children who mask, who may actually be a long way off their potential.
It's very short sighted to think that withholding support is not going to lead to a greater need for money to spent on our children. I also believe that for our children who mask, support would be very subtle, would require no training as such and therefore probably wouldn't cost a penny, so it boils down to an unwillingness to believe what parents are saying which, whilst frustrating and difficult to deal with for us parents, ultimately will be more damaging to our children. Timely support could mean that our children can successfully access education for as long as they need or want to. Our children may avoid exclusions and costly interventions. Support could mean an increased chance for our children to grow up into well adjusted, productive adults.

School life for my son would be much easier if his teachers took a few minutes to learn a bit about PDA. I'm not expecting anyone to spend hours studying documents, attend many training courses at great cost though, there are some very simple methods that anyone could understand.

The things that would make PDA boy's life easier, and many others like him, would be a shift in attitude, acceptance that what you see isn't what you get, simply taking on board that most of his behaviour is there for a reason.
Understand that jokily insulting him will result in a meltdown at home, understand that simple language tweaks and offering options can help him to feel much more in control. If he is behaving in a way that looks silly or naughty, understand that he is probably feeling anxious about something, or overloaded. Send him to do a job, take some paperwork to the office, go and fetch some water for the teacher, anything that gives him a brief opportunity to decompress.

Be clear with him. We have had countless meltdowns when he has been told off for something that he doesn't know he's done, and the times when he has asked, the reply has been "I don't need to tell you what you've done, go and think about it!"
The behaviour he's being told off for is probably a result of anxiety, so he probably hasn't a clue what he's done. If you want him to know that being rude and defensive is wrong, explain that to him and offer him the chance to go and cool off a bit.

Cut down on demands. Give options.

If there is a query that could go through me, ask me, don't bother him with it as it will add to his anxiety levels.
I try to be prompt with payments and permission slips, but if I'm late please ask me, not my son, as he will interpret your quizzing as a telling off.
If there's a problem with his lunch or uniform, something that ultimately will be up to me to deal with, please ask me.

This image is a mindmap, found on the PDA resource website (clearer version found in the PDA resource, link at top right corner of this blog page).

This has made such a difference to us at home. It's not difficult to follow, and once you get the hang of it, using it is simple. My son doesn't need 1:1 support, but just understanding him and accepting that PDA is a real thing, will make a huge difference to his stress levels.

Teachers may not see how a day at school affects him (although I am more than happy to provide evidence) but I can assure you that throwaway remarks and a build up of little incidents throughout the day leaves my son raging and struggling to cope, and can mean that a normal family life is non-existent.

I find it difficult to get my head round the fact that I have been honest about my son's behaviour, open about his diagnosis to the appropriate people, yet there is so much resistance to believe us and to attempt to use simple, free techniques that could make such a difference.

My son is his own worst enemy, through no fault of his own. Masking means that his needs are not being met.

When the strategies that could work (and do work at home) are so accessible and simple for anyone to carry out, I am finding it hard not to resent the people who will not acknowledge them, or who insist we continue to look for answers explaining our son's behaviour.

We have the answers. We at home have the evidence that PDA boy has PDA, and that PDA strategies work.

The biggest support for the child who masks is surely for anyone working with that child to listen to their parents, work with them and finally, please God, acknowledge that we understand our children and can play a key part in them reaching their potential.

School holidays.

Over the last few years, we have learnt that holidays can be a blissful break from the normal daily tussles.

Life during term time tends to be difficult, regularly seeing PDA boy (and the rest of the family) reaching breaking point.

Holidays, with a bit of planning and hard work, can see PDA boy relaxing in a way he just can't when he's at school.

I know we are lucky in this respect, I know that holiday time for some families is dreadful, loss of the familiar routine can mean these weeks are a nightmare.

For us, holidays follow a pattern.
We have a few days of absolute screaming chaos and non-stop meltdowns, as the boy adjusts to being free.
This is followed by a period of relative calm. At least, it looks like calm compared to other times.
The last few days of a holiday, we're back to chaos as he prepares himself for going back to school.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about holidays where we go anywhere, these are rare and tend to be more difficult to cope with. When we do go away, we like to go to Center Parcs, it's familiar, which suits us all, the older children can go off and do their own thing, for PDA boy there is time to bike, space to run and explore, and we have found a quiet, dimly lit area in the swimming pool that we usually have to ourselves, and we are only there a few days, so he can easily see there's a time limit that he can manage.

The time I'm talking about here is simply time off school, spent at home.

We are able to reduce demands to a bare minimum, in fact, the last few days the only demands have been to brush teeth in the morning and at night.

PDA boy is relaxed, if he wants to play on his Xbox, he plays on his Xbox, if he wants to watch a film, that's what he does. He eats when he's hungry, he drinks when he's thirsty.

He has been running, he has made YouTube videos, he has been cooking al fresco (boiling eggs in a tin can, skewering sausages onto sticks and holding them over a campfire), he has been cuddling his lovely cat, Bobby, the recipient of all his affection!

Bedtime is still strictly under our terms though, as we still need sleep!

Living like this works for PDA boy, but it does come with its own challenges.

We have four children, all with different needs to be met.

This means that holiday time for me is a hectic mess of planning, refereeing sibling squabbles, and grabbing any moment I can to have some peace and a cup of tea.

When it comes to socialising, we try to limit how much we do, as too much means we all end up burnt out and fractious.

In a week, we tend to stick to one or two social events. These can be difficult, as PDA boy adjusts to demand filled time when he has been given the freedom to be his own master, so meltdowns before and after are to be expected, even though he is keen to do these things.

Take today. PDA boy has a friend visiting (I intend to write a post about friendships, so I won't go into detail here). Until his friend arrived, PDA boy was shrieking for no reason, needed to be supervised 100% as he was "playing" too roughly with his little brother, throwing things, all because of the anticipation of someone coming.

Now his friend is here, he is fine, they have been to the park to play, this afternoon they might do some gaming, all is quiet, I am able to sit and write peacefully.

This evening, all hell will let loose. We will be armed with distractions, games, walks, anything that sees us through the evening until bedtime. In all likelihood he will have a meltdown that we will not be able to prevent.

Tomorrow he will be more agitated and we will need to work hard to allow him control at a level that will let him calm down again.

Holidays are a time when we feel we are getting somewhere and can see improvements in behaviour, unlike school time when more often than not, we are firefighting, constantly parenting a stressed out, anxious child.

In terms of parenting, holidays are more difficult and intense, PDA boy is very demanding, but it is good to see him happy and flourishing.

"Let's focus on the positives, shall we?"

I'll apologise in advance, this post is likely to be in a similar vein to others I've recently posted. I'm still trying to work through stuff, and writing it down helps.

In all our recent meetings, with CAMHS, with the school SENCO, and with people I talk to who don't really understand autism, I've noticed that when I talk about the things that are worrying me, it makes people uncomfortable. There's a feeling that I shouldn't talk about them, I should only focus on the positives, because we can then build on those.

I agree that it's important that others know PDA boy's talents, and can encourage him through those, but I also think it's very important to know the areas that concern, so that potential spiralling behaviour can be avoided.

PDA boy has many, many strong points:

He is excellent at sports. Loves going to our local Parkrun every Saturday morning with his father and siblings. He is always in the top few for his age group, and improving every week.

He is very musical. If demand avoidance didn't get in the way of practice, I'm sure (in the way all mothers are) that he would be a child prodigy.

He is funny, and makes very clever jokes around words, and uses sarcasm regularly (although he doesn't understand if someone else uses sarcasm).

He is a bushcraft genius, building dens, making fires and cooking on them, using his imagination to problem solve, seeing potential in every stick and chicken-feed bag he can lay his hands on.

He has an amazing vocabulary. It may be largely made up of swear words, and if we introduced a swear jar we could go to Center Parcs every weekend on the proceeds, but nevertheless, it is wide and varied.

He is kind and thoughtful.

He is very knowledgeable about animals, particularly birds of prey and reptiles.

He is the only person in the family that can successfully grow plants - the rest of us don't have the dedication and tend to forget about them!

I highly doubt that many of these talents will be on show in school though, because they come hand in hand with his more volatile side, which in school is kept well under wraps.

But it's not just the talents that are important, the difficulties are just as important, and in a school environment it's these that will hold him back, so in my opinion they are more important to share as they have the potential to see him viewed as naughty, arrogant, rude and manipulative. They have the potential to prevent him from being able to fully access education.

What I would like is the chance to sit down and really tell his future teachers exactly what may be his downfall, but every time I try, I am stopped for two reasons:

1. We must focus on the positives.

2. We know children mask, don't worry, we'll spot it and help him.

This is highly frustrating.

Being autistic myself, when I am at these meetings, I am likely to have rehearsed over and over again what I want to say. If I'm interupted and not allowed to say what I need to, I am more likely to irritate the pants off the people I'm with, as I will start repeating myself and get very flustered and upset, and am less likely to take in what they're saying.

I also find the assumption that these professionals have, that they know the boy better than I do, very cross-making.

For now, I'm going to write a list of the things I'd like them to take note of and share with any teacher likely to have contact with PDA boy.

1. Giddiness/silliness - this means anxiety and/or sensory overload. He needs to have the option to go somewhere quieter. Please don't tell him off for this, as he's not being naughty, and it will only serve to increase the anxiety.

2. Rudeness - sure sign of anxiety. Again, he needs options to leave the room.

3. Refusal to work - yep, anxiety again. If he's refusing, he probably thinks he's going to fail. He either needs some help to make sense of what he's doing, or options so he feels more in control of the situation.

4. The school's consequence system may be his downfall. I'll go into a bit more detail for this one.

The secondary school PDA Boy is going to has a very effective discipline system. Basically, if a child is messing around, they get a C1 (consequence 1). Their name is written on a board. Next comes C2 and 3, giving the child ample warning to sort themselves out before the Big Guns come out.
If the behaviour continues, a C4 means detention. After that a C5 is immediate isolation, followed by a C6, exclusion.
Behaviour in the school is far better than it ever has been, but for some children with special needs, this has meant swift escalation to exclusion. This is my biggest fear at the moment for my son.
If he's feeling anxious, which, let's face it, is likely, he may not respond well to strict zero tolerance discipline. If a teacher can understand this, it will be possible for them to help the boy to stay in control of the situation. If, as we have experienced with most teachers so far (but in a situation of less formal and strict discipline), they decide he is fine, they will see an insolent boy daring to argue with them, for which he must be punished. This is the scenario that must be avoided, but unless someone is prepared to listen, this is something that we will have to be ready for.

Of course the positives are a massive part of my son, and are ones that we focus on a great deal. But in a school setting, by only looking at the positives, my son is far less likely to succeed.

There needs to be a balanced picture in order for him to be understood, and with the need for positivity at all times, this isn't happening.

Reality of PDA parenting.

We all need to have a moan and let off steam sometimes, but very often, if we say how stressed we are, or how difficult life can be, we have an answer that makes you realise that others do not understand what life is like with PDA.

 

On a regular basis, I will have people saying things like:    

 

"Well, we're all anxious sometimes"    

 

"All children fight"    

 

"It's stressful for all parents"   

 

The underlying message received from these comments is a dismissive "stop complaining, we all have the same problems, deal with it better".   

 

So I thought I'd write about a day in our life. As well as my autistic children, I also have neurotypical children, and yes, things can be stressful, but the level of management has nothing on the level that PDA boy needs. My NT children don't have regular violent meltdowns either, which does make things a little easier.          

 

You cannot drop your guard. Ever. If you do, they can sense it and will pounce. 

Therefore all times with children present will be spent alert, watching, listening, waiting for the little signs that mean attack is imminent and inserting yourself between siblings in an attempt at damage limitation. 

 

 

We try to entertain them, play games, go for walks, but again, we must be constantly alert to the little changes that signal one child has had enough, and take action before it is too late. 

 

 

We need to be aware of how we are talking at all times. Actually, that's exaggerating, we are lucky that PDA boy's demand avoidance does fluctuate with the stress he is experiencing, so at some points he can cope with a certain level of demands, but at other times No Demand shall Pass.

 

 

Generally, from the moment PDA boy wakes up, our language must be in tune with his needs. We have several things in place which make this easier, for example, he has two toothbrushes, so instead of "Time to brush your teeth", we have options; "which toothbrush this morning?" "Are you brushing or shall I?"  

 

 

Options are our friends. Options mean we get things done. Options mean he is in charge. 

 

 

We have also found our way to get him out of pyjamas and into school clothes. "Do you want me to help, or can you manage?" is enough for him to be indignant and cross that an eleven year old might need help to get dressed, of course he can do it, or grateful that I will help him on a morning when it's all too much. Again, the choice of actions means he has some control over the situation. 

 

 

The aim of school mornings is to get the bare minimum done with the least amount of stress and noise possible. 

 

 

If we are on time to school, we have done well. 

If we are late, we have done amazingly. Chances are a tricky morning will be a late morning. The fact that I have got him into school at all deserves a medal (or toast and jam when I get home). 

 

 

A day at school tests our mettle. In the car on the way home, he must be given a chance to tell me all the bad things that have happened, and I must not try to put a positive light on any of those things, as this his his opportunity to get the day out of his system. 

 

 

If he's had a really bad day, the journey home may be very difficult, and may take a lot longer than it should, as it is not safe to drive whilst being punched, slapped and spat at. On these days we must find a safe place to stop and let the meltdown pass. 

 

 

Back at home, we try to make sure he has time to do whatever he needs to do, usually lie on the settee watching Daggerwin's latest episode of Farming Simulator. He must not be disturbed. 

 

 

Disturbance means screaming, lashing out, throwing things. 

 

 

I will need to sit close by, carefully aware of PDA boy, looking at his eyes, but without making eye contact, to check his anger levels. 

 

 

Tea will often be served in front of the TV, as stress levels after school are usually too high to cope with the expectation of the family sitting together around the table. Whilst eating supervision is necessary to evade food fights. 

 

 

Watching TV itself is a battleground as both PDA boy and his two brothers have very rigid expectations of what they will watch, so in order to be fair, we will often timetable a TV watching schedule. This also means that close supervision is needed to ensure each boy receives his fair allotted TV time without another boy switching off the TV, or doing a moony in front of the screen.

 

 

We must also be very careful with transitions from one activity to another, as these are times which can trigger an angry outburst. 

 

 

All this must be done whilst also trying to keep to a routine, but that routine must also be kept fresh. If our routine becomes too predictable PDA boy's anxiety levels rise.

 

 

We must also be very aware of leaving things lying around. Shoes not put away become missiles. A water bottle left on a table in the lounge will be sprayed around the room, for no other reason than it is there and impulse takes over. 

 

 

We use the incredible 5 point scale to help PDA boy to learn to recognise how he is feeling, this means that slowly, slowly, he is learning that when he is at a three (feeling stressed), this is the time to take action. We know from experience that if he reaches four (pre-meltdown) we have to take action, either by taking him upstairs to his room and waiting out the inevitable meltdown, or, if behaviour is too explosive, by sending his siblings upstairs to safety whilst he gets his rage out of his system. I am proud that I can keep my other children safe from his violence, but often that means that my husband and I are caught out by punches.

 

 

Bedtime is a case of distracting him into bed. He doesn't like bedtime, as this means school time is close. Melatonin helps, but is still subject to refusal. He is angry that he can't sleep easily, and resents the tablets that help him to settle. 

 

 

Bedtime is the time when he may easily start screaming for no apparent reason, banging his head against the metal bed frame, punching the walls with fists that do not feel the pain until he has calmed down. 

 

 

On these nights, suggesting a YouTube video or a game may jolt him out of this, or it might not, we may have to wait out the anger, wait out the heartbreaking sobbing as he begs us to kill him as life is so, so shit.

 

 

And then, eventually, he sleeps. Another day is over. We prepare ourselves for the next day, work out what we could have done better, what we did that worked. 

 

 

We have bad days with our NT child, of course we do, we are all human. But a bad day doesn't even compare with a good day of parenting PDA boy, when measuring stress levels. A bad day with our NT child does not need anything like the same level of management, supervision and strategies we need to successfully juggle PDA boy's complex needs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why our children must be listened to.

My son is diagnosed with autism, with a profile of Pathological Demand Avoidance.

To the untrained eye (actually, to the majority of trained eyes too) he appears neurotypical. His level of control over himself, with people he knows and people he can sense are observing him in a professional role, is outstanding, but it does him a real disservice, as I may have mentioned before.

Once out of the spotlight though, he is a different boy. Whilst he can be very eloquent, he has great difficulty expressing himself. Facial expressions which look so natural in school will disappear. He looks flat, or as someone so kindly pointed out "he's got the eyes of a serial killer". (Erm, ok, thanks for that!) Any expressions are very exaggerated, and not natural at all. When angry, he looks like an angry bull, steam emerging from flared nostrils. So extreme are his features, we often assumed he was joking (big mistake).

A run of bad days will leave him feeling exhausted and very low, seeing no way out of feeling like this. During these times he will express a desire to kill himself, and will demonstrate how. He will also draw pictures depicting him dead and, finally, happy.

This is something that concerns us. And to be honest, if it didn't, I don't think we would be fit parents.

CAMHS have interpreted this as normal behaviour. On PDA boy's discharge letter, it states that these episodes happen during meltdowns, which isn't true, but I'm willing to accept that my own communication problems have meant misinterpretation. These episodes happen, chillingly, when he is low, but calm and rational.

We have learnt to recognise when PDA boy's mood is spiralling downwards, and we will now take actions such as taking him out of school for a day or two (with approval and understanding from our GP). We will have time where he is in complete control of what he does, which sometimes means walking barefoot through puddles (him, not me!), lying fully clothed in a shallow river (I swear this boy is like a dog - cold muddy water is something to be enjoyed, warm clean water may as well be molten lava for the extremes he will go to avoid it), doing handstands for hours on end, sensory activities that serve to bring him back to a mood level that he can cope with.

To school though, taking him out is unnecessary, they believe that sticking with it should be the way we tackle things. This is not something we are willing to do though.

By allowing the boy some space, time when he can be himself, not the boy he is in school, we are recognising that school is a difficult place, we are respecting his need for a break.

By recognising when our son has had enough, we can, to some extent, prevent these low moods from taking over, and in absence of professional support, we must continue to do so.

But we don't make the decision to take him out lightly. If we didn't allow our son time out under these circumstances, would he be pushed into more and more alarming behaviour?

Whilst from school's point of view, this could be seen as a good thing, they may finally see some behaviour, after years of sighing that they just can't see it. He may then be offered some support.

From our point of view though, knowing our son well enough to be able to track his moods with increasing accuracy, our fears are that by not listening to him, his behaviour may escalate. His demonstrations of suicide may become more elaborate, may end up in an actual suicide attempt, may end up being successful. Ok, maybe this won't happen, but as the parent of a volatile child, I'm not willing to take that risk.

Should his needs in school be met more effectively (even though they can't be easily seen), he may not need these recovery days. This is what we are working towards. Communicating his needs so that those around him may start to understand.

Until such time when his diagnosis and difficulties are understood, we, the people who do understand him, will carry on advocating for him and make decisions to protect him and try to keep him mentally healthy.

Golden time and school rewards.

Every class my son has been in, from reception to year six, has had a reward system.

In reception to year two, there was a whiteboard with happy and sad faces. A good deed or some excellent work meant a happy face, two happy faces in one day earned the child a small toy from the happy faces box.
Unkind behaviour or poor effort in work was rewarded with a sad face. Two sad faces in one day meant the child had to sit outside the headteacher's office. Good behaviour cancelled out one or both sad faces.

For some children, this was excellent, at least twice a week the same children would have the opportunity to rummage through the happy faces box.

On the other hand, every week the same few children would spend time sitting outside the headteacher's office. Feeling crap about themselves.

After the happy/sad faces system, in year three Golden Time was introduced. Golden Time was an opportunity for each child to choose how to spend their time on a Friday afternoon, reading books, playing games, the choice was theirs.
To start off with, each child had an allotted amount of time, half an hour. Any bad behaviour or times when the teacher felt a child wasn't working their hardest, they would lose minutes off their Golden Time. Outstanding behaviour could earn back those lost minutes.
After some complaints from several parents, this was changed from losing time, to earning time, so each child accrued minutes over the course of the week.

The result was the same whether time was knocked off from the start of the week, or added over the course of the week. The same children enjoyed a full half hour of Golden Time. The same children ended up sitting with their work, the teacher standing over them giving them disapproving glances every so often.

Now, in year six, my son's class has an online reward system. Points are given for good work and thoughtful behaviour, points are removed for careless work and bad behaviour. Prizes and treats are handed out when a child has reached 25, 50, 100 points and so on.
And once again, the same children reap their rewards, the same children struggle to gain points.

In my opinion, the children who flourish with rewards will flourish without them. School is generally a positive experience for these children.

For some children though, this system is downright damaging. For these children, school is a difficult place to be, particularly if they also have autism and/or sensory difficulties to contend with. Many children with ASD do not respond to reward charts at all, so the whole process, instead of encouraging good behaviour is simply punishing children over and over again for behaviour they often aren't in control of, but not only that, there is a visible way to track their failures, making sure it is as humiliating as possible.

I've often thought that it's very short sighted of teachers to continue rewards, when it is patently clear that, for the children whose behaviour they wish to modify, it's simply not working. The same children who struggled in reception are often as not the same children struggling in year six, despite seven years of rewards and discipline.

There is always an argument from the parents of those who find school easy that their children respond well to the rewards, that we can't pander to the children who find it difficult, that they need to up their game and learn not to behave badly. It's nice for their children to be rewarded for their work and behaviour. If only it were this simple.

Not all children are the same. I know some people find this difficult to believe. But not all children have the same academic capabilities, not all children will have the same reactions, not all children can regulate themselves.
One child's sitting quietly is another child's pacing around the room.
One child's celebratory jumping around after a football tournament is another child's excitedly running out of the school gate.
One child's being a bit annoyed about something is another child's meltdown.

For my son, impulsive and giddy behaviour is a sure sign that something is going on, sensory overload or anxiety. He controls this in school as much as possible, but every week he has points removed for such behaviour.
I'm certain that if his way of showing anxiety was to cry, he wouldn't be punished for this.

All children will do well if they can (reference to Dr Ross Greene's The Explosive Child - an excellent book!). By using these reward systems, huge numbers of children are being set up to fail, because developmentally they cannot reach the expectations set out for them. But because they are in the minority and are so often not considered valuable members of a class, their needs are so often ignored and overlooked.

It would be good if our childrens' years in education could be geared up to suit everyone in the classroom, as much as possible, instead of using neurotypical methods that suit neurotypical people.

Where is the support for the masking child?

Life as we know it is a roller coaster.

Yesterday's soaring high quickly turns into today's crashing low.

Yesterday I was celebrating when it was clear that our fantastic GP really does understand my family, trusts me and my judgement, makes suggestions that stand a chance of being helpful, and doesn't judge me when they don't work.

Today it is clear, yet again, that the people who work closely with my son do not understand him, and it doesn't matter what I say, they're not listening.

I feel that my son, who is due to transition in September, is being set up to fail.
Certain support networks are to be set up, which on paper is brilliant, but in reality, when my son is so desperate to fit in, he will not use these things as they will mark him out as different. This is likely to mean that, even if he doesn't have meltdowns, he will act up in a way that makes him look cocky, arrogant and deliberately naughty, which could spiral into detentions, isolations and exclusions.

I'm not expecting my son to have more support than any other child because he is my son, and therefore special and deserving more than anyone else.

What I do expect though is some understanding for his diagnosis and the way he presents, and some understanding that there are things that can be done in school, which will not mark him out as different, and will not cost anything to implement, and that could make a huge difference for my son, and mean that our family are not constantly living in what feels like a war zone.

The trouble is, when he masks as well as he does, no-one believes he needs support. We have a catch 22 situation.
Unless PDA boy starts to show his needs, there will be no support. By the time he does show these needs (and to avoid being accused of being negative again, yes, there is a chance that he may sail through secondary school without any issues at all) it's likely that he will then find it nigh on impossible to go into school each day, as has happened to so many children who present like my son.
As I've said in a previous post, support in school is reactive. When a child shows, beyond shadow of a doubt, that they cannot cope, parents can then fight for support. If the child shows nothing, there's an unwillingness to even acknowledge the autism in the first place, let alone offer any support.

I do understand that being a teacher today is difficult. So many government boxes to tick, so many children with complex needs to educate effectively.

But I am his mother, and it is unbelievably frustrating that it is so difficult to be taken seriously, and this is before we even get to the question of support. I am the one who sees how distressed my son can be after a day at school, I am the one who has to support him, and I am the one who has to communicate his worries and troubles to school, as he cannot tell them himself. Sadly I am also the one who is ignored and relegated to the position of being insignificant in proceedings.

I'm not alone in having a child who holds things in like this. Whilst this extreme masking may be unusual, I don't think it's rare, I think that these children are just not recognised as being on the autistic spectrum, to their parents' continuing despair.

The only thing we can do now is wait. Carry on encouraging our son to advocate for himself, instead of telling his teachers what he thinks they want to hear.

We now wait and watch with baited breath, hoping with every fibre that secondary will be a positive experience for him.